Thoughts for separating families at Christmas

Every year, approximately 280,000 children have parents who separate. For many of those children, this will be their first Christmas when their parents aren't together. It can be a daunting prospect for them and their parents but as with most aspects of family life, planning and preparation are likely to help. With that in mind I’ve put together the following ten tips to help get those important conversations started:

1. Think widely: Think about all the potential options. Although,  for those who celebrate Christmas, the three key days are usually Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day, don’t forget that there are also lots of other days when children won’t be at school or nursery and looking at all available days helps to increase options – most children would welcome having a 2nd Christmas Day even not on 25th.
2. Think wisely: Think of anything that the children will be expecting/hoping for to see if it is still possible but slightly differently such as going to the pantomime with Aunts and Uncles or friends as something new to create. 
3. Think fairly: Once you’ve worked out all the relevant days start to think about what that would look like if you reversed it next year and whether how that would work and whether it still feels the right balance? 
4. Think carefully: Work out how children are moving between you – who is responsible for drop off and pick up. If, how and when will the children speak with/contact one parent when they are with the other one. Even with older children who have their own devices it can be helpful to think about expectations to reduce the chance of misunderstandings or disappointment. 
5. Think constructively: What are the potential areas that might cause difficulty? For example, presents- are you able to agree together who is getting what for the children - is it coming from you or Father Christmas? Can you get presents that complement each other - knowing parents have worked together can offer children important reassurance.
6. Be child-focussed: Think about the impact on your children - how much travel are they doing, how much time will they spend with each of you but also with other important people such as family and also their own  friends (especially for older children).
7. Be practical: What will the children need in terms of clothes (if there are particular events planned where they need warm/smart clothes), presents/cards for family members they are seeing etc.
8. Be communicative: If it's not possible to discuss plans directly with your former partner consider other options such as Our Family Wizard, having a Whatsapp group just for that purpose? Think about going through a mutual friend, and if that fails a mediator or solicitor. The sooner you start the discussion the more time you will have to resolve any differences.

1. Be open: Depending on their ages, and once you have some options, talk to the children - making sure they’re not responsible for finding solutions or feel under pressure to answer in a particular way - open conversations work best.
2. Be open-minded: New traditions - sometimes thinking about Christmas in an entirely new way can help. What new traditions can you establish?

The skills required to negotiate Christmas are the same as for all parenting decisions post-separation: stay focussed on the children’s needs; try to see things from each other’s perspective; try to keep communication civil and without judgment or emotion; and importantly keep children informed.

The Family Solutions Group recently published their Report: A Child's Right to Matter. They consulted with 112 young people asking about their needs when parents separate and what support is available to them. It was clear from their findings that children often feel unheard and powerless when parents separate, and spoke of being ‘done to’ not ‘done with’.  The Report also starkly highlights the lack of resources available for children and the lack of governmental responsibility for  children of separating parents. It’s clear that changes need to be made and The Family  Solutions Group put forward clear recommendations to the government. However, in the meantime we can all learn from their findings and make some adaptions - speaking to children, keeping them informed and really listening to them about what they need can go a long way. What most children want is for their parents to communicate better with each other as well as with them. 

One way to try to keep conversations constructive is to think about the type of support you and your former partner need when making decisions in relation to the children. There are a multitude  of options available: speaking to each other directly, using solicitors, mediators, collaborative lawyers, arbitrators, and more recently various One Couple One lawyer models (for example Resolution Together). In 2020, when I created Uncouple (with Diana Parker and Natalie O’Shea) my intention was to provide an innovative forum to enable separating couples to work together and find the right solutions for their family with the help of mediators, arbitrators and experts – everything they needed in one place. It was important to me that families are able to have constructive supported conversations and get the help they need. When you think about the whole family then the solutions often become apparent much more readily – it's all about avoiding being positional and thinking creatively and empathetically. I firmly believe that, in the right circumstances, working with both people really helps to find the right solutions and avoid court applications which can be divisive, as well as financially and emotionally costly. But also it helps them to develop the strategies they need to continue to communicate effectively post separation, which is particularly important for those with children. 

This year has certainly seen an increase in awareness of, an opportunities for, alternative ways for families to find solutions. There is still more work to be done and it seems to me that for family lawyers and practitioners 2024 will be the year of the child - with a greater focus on working with families to ensure their children have a voice and get the support and help they need.